Thursday, September 30, 2010

Bloggerstock: Do-overs

Today we've got the lovely Sara hijacking my blog via Bloggerstock.  Honestly, I don't know of a woman who or more fascinated with Vah-jay-jays, without being a lesbian.  Maybe Georgia O'Keefe...maybe (link provided for those less cultured individuals).  Anyway Sara's got a great sense of humor and she's definitely got this Howard Stern thing going for not that "skinny creepy asshole" thing...the "what's she gonna say next" thing.  In any case...I highly recommend you all start stalking her, like I and night.

In a bush outside her window....I'll kill that Andy guy to keep her for myself...kidding kidding.  Mostly.

Here's Sara's post, if you like it, if you don't, check here out at Sara Swears A Lot.  You can also check out my post over at Slightly Disappointing.


I've done Bloggerstock once before and was fucked in the ass by my swap buddies who decided not to participate, but this year I have two awesome people who are down for Saratown, ifyagetwhatimsayin. So what's Bloggerstock? Since Bret has made me explain it to THREE ZILLION EFFING PEOPLE, I'm going to let the website explain itself. Clickity click hiz-ere ( if you want to participate next month. (And you should because I'll be doing it, and it's funsies all around.) Also, if you want to check out Kelly Marie's post, she's on my blog today. And if you like what you see here (bowchicawowow), come visit me at Sara Swears a Lot!(

This month's topic is Do-Over AKA anything we want that can possibly relate back to a Do-Over of some sort. There are so many ways I could go with this post. Wearing Doc Martins with my sweatsuit? Cutting my hair up to my ears when I already looked like a little boy with my fat face and lack of boobs? Asking my third grade teacher if they had cars when she was a little girl? (What? The bitch was old as shit. She looked like the fucking crypt keeper, all right?)

So with so many options, what did I finally settle on?

I decided to go all out, balls out and tell a story that I said I would never tell on my blog. But I think now it's fair game since this isn't my blog, right? Right. Moving forward...

As I've written before, Andy and I met at work. He still works there which explains why I can't write about this at my own place. When I first started working for this company, I knew that it was a family-owned business. I'd never worked in an office before, and I had no clue that family-owned businesses were either one of two things:  Really fucking awesome and fun to work for OR a miserable, shitty ass place where people get ahead based on their last name.

Guess which one it was?

So the person who owns the company is a man who is SO FUCKING OLD, he could rival my third grade teacher in a Tales From the Crypt host-lookalike-show. (I wasn't even allowed to watch that show for years. No wonder I keep referencing it.) His daughter "worked" there as well. And by worked, I mean she showed up at 11:00, had coffee and chatted until noon, went to lunch for an hour and a half to two hours, came back to the office for about an hour and then left for the day to "run errands". Every. Goddamn. Day.

Not only did I have to deal with his annoying ass daughter, I was also stuck dealing with his even more annoying ass granddaughter. (We'll call her Krystal.) She was doing a work program through her high school that let her go to school half a day and spend the other half at the office with us. Oh, joy!

She was also a very hard "worker" just like her mama. Also, they CONSTANTLY called each other "guh". No. I am not fucking kidding. It was like this:

"Hey, guh, do you want me to pick up a sandwich for you when I go on my 120-minute lunch?"
"No, guh, I don't eat because I'm a high school girl."
"Okay, see you when I get back, guh."


I wanted to stab my motherfucking face every time I heard them say that word. They also liked using the phrase G.N.O. when they were going to the movies together. As in, Girl's Night Out? As in a Hannah Montana song?

For the love of all that is holy....


So Krystal's "job" at work was pretty much nothing. Her teacher had to come by once to check on her and see what the office was like. The teacher told Krystal that she needed to be answering the phones because it was part of the program or something.

This bitch NEVER answered the phone. I was the administrative assistant so I answered the phone all day long. She was at work for two hours most days and refused to EVER pick up the goddamn phone. Even if I had to sprint across the office, dive over a filing cabinet, stop a speeding bullet with my hand, and perform the helicopter without a penis, that bitch would STILL. NOT. ANSWER. THE. GODDAMN. PHONE.

Or, my personal favorite, riiiiiight after I caught the bullet with my teeth, did a James Bond roll, and had my hand on the fucking receiver, she would pick up. Bitch.

There was one particular day when the madness started. I hated their entire family with a passion, and my protected twitter updates were there to prove it. The only person I worked with that could see my twitter was my best friend and boss at the time. (We'll call her Margie.) I think you can see where this is heading...

One day, Margie was out of the office which meant that I would have to take a 1:00 to 2:00 lunch to cover the phones from 12:00 to 1:00 when everyone else was gone. Andy was working that day for the first time in months (he was on night shift for a while), and I wanted to go to lunch with him since we never had the chance.

"Hey Krystal, do you have any plans for lunch?"
"Um, yeah, I think so."
"Oh, really? What are you doing?"
"Going to lunch with my mom."
"Okay, well, nevermind then."

Ten seconds later, Krystal's mom walks by my desk and I say, "Hey, so where are you and Krystal going for lunch?" She looked confused and said, "Oh, we aren't going to lunch together today. I have some errands to run."


The little whore lied to me! Because she KNEW I wanted to go to lunch with my boyfriend! And she always tried to flirt with him to make me jealous even though she was the size of a toothpick and seriously, sweetie? My man likes WOMEN, not little girls, but whatevs.

So I kind of pulled an immature move at that point because I was furious. I went to myspace and wrote something along the lines of....

"Little girls who don't do any work need to go home and stop annoying everyone else."

Perfect, no?

I deleted it less than two hours later because I realized how stupid it was and moved on.

The next morning, Krystal's mom walks by my desk and throws a piece of paper at me. It's a printout of my myspace status. Apparently the little bitch had to run tattle to her mommy on the mean girl at work. *sniffle*

She said, "If you aren't happy here, maybe you should leave."


I didn't go to work the following day because I decided it would be smart to fill out applications since I had a pretty good feeling I was going to be fired for a stupid myspace status that didn't even mention any names.

Now do you remember me mentioning my protected twitter updates? Which means nobody could see my tweets unless I approved them. Well, my dear friend Margie decided to pull it up, print it out, and give it to Satan's mother. Some of my favorite tweets said the following:

The woman I HATE at work just cut part of my pencil skirt saying that's how it's supposed to look. BITCH.

This little bitch at work is about to get some serious hate staring from me.

Miley Cyrus-wannabe Cunt thinks she's cute flirting with my boyfriend. Sorry, Cuntface, but he's fucking ME, not you.

As you can see, I like to keep it classy.

So after all that, I came in the following day and was fired by the old man who owns the place even though he had no clue what was going on because he was like 3,000 years old. Which ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me.

So if I could do it all over, what would I do differently?


I would have called her a cunt to her face.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Now for something completely different (3WW)

The last couple of weeks I've written my 3WW on some political figure or the other and frankly I'm tired of it.  Ok...not really, but I feel like I need to change it up every now and again to keep things fresh. And maybe...just maybe even get the chance about something fun instead of something frustrating.

So let's dig right in with my video game addiction.

I'm pretty fuckin' stoked about the new DC Universe Online.  I mean when I first watched the trailer for this shiney new flavor of MMO, I could feel the imminent nerdgasim building in my nether regions.  Oh yes...a nerdgasim all up on my TV.  That might have been a little bit too much information.

I kind of feel like I'm channeling my new friend over at Sarawearsalot.  But on the bright side...I'm not talking about vagina's.  I think I'll leave that to her as I am most assuredly not an authority on the subject.  Being a married man and all.

Anyway back to the nerdgasim.  This game looks like some kind of wonderful amalgamation of a platformer and a traditional MMORPG.  On top of all this a player you get to interact with major characters in the DC Universe.

That means Superman...FUCKING SUPERMAN.  Oh...and that scrub Batman too.  Enough said.

Another November release worth mentioning is Assassin's Creed Brotherhood.  I don't know how many of you out there played the Assassin's Creed games, but if you haven't you should definitely give them a try.  All around entertaining games.  I'd have to say skip the first one as they just didn't make it that well and it's down right boring at times, but get some Cliffs Notes on it and run to your nearest Game Stop and grab a copy of Assassin's Creed II.

In a word it's FUCKING AWESOME.

Probably the best game I've played on my PS3.  I actually beat it a month or two ago and I still pick it up from time to time to take on a contract killing or search for some treasure I missed.  There's nothing quite like walking up behind a couple of guards and stabbing them in the throat with your spring loaded wrist knives and then blending in with a group of hookers to get away.

The new Assassin's Creed looks like it will continue the awesome with a new multi-player feature that pits assassins against other assassins in races to a target as well as a Vs mode where each assassin is the target of the other.

Never underestimate the value of the opportunity to assassinate your friends, your family, and even your significant other....Better watch your back dear.  I promise I won't tamper with your controller to make it more difficult for you to play....I swear.

I'm a good husband...and I do not pursue my wife relentlessly through make believe electronic worlds seeking only the taste of her blood.  Really...

So come November I may become a little scarce as I attempt to engulf myself in these cool new games.  And maybe...just maybe try to assassinate the Translator without her knowing.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Monday Randomness

Well...I figured there wasn't any point in trying to fake a post this week.  I haven't gone on a jog in almost 3 weeks now and I'm feeling pretty guilty about it, not guilty enough to do it mind you...but pretty fucking guilty.

Anyway I thought I'd throw a song out at you guys.  I usually wouldn't be caught dead listening to R&B these days, but I have to admit, I have a lot of respect for Cee Lo Green.  This is just a great song and the man's got a voice.  I think the lyrics really hit home too

In other news...The Translator is sponsoring a blog-fest, ring, orgy, thing.  It's for those of us who are shy a few hundred followers...I think the PC term is follower challenged.  Check out her blog for more information. I know I'll be joining and all comers (that have fewer then 150 followers) are welcome.  Tell your friends, tell your family....seriously, I'll find you, tell them!

I'm going to make an effort to get back on track for next Monday.  And who knows...maybe for the first time I'll have someone do it with me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Lets talk about boobs!

As you may or may not know I am a huge fan of the breasts...I love 'em!!  Without question they are my favorite part of the female form.

If breast cancer kills 50,000 women in a year, that comes to 100,000 breasts!!  100,000 fewer breasts in the world.  It's a horrifying thought.  And as such, I hate breast cancer.

That's right...I'm taking  a stand here and now and saying it loud and proud.


Seriously though, breast cancer is a devastating decease that affects and/or kills literally hundreds of thousands of women every year.  Even if a patient is lucky enough to survive through early detection and surgery, their lives are altered irrevocably.  Other parts of cancer treatments will effect the lives of these women right down to their most basic functions in their daily lives.  For instance,  chemotherapy can cause extreme sensitivity to hot and cold, making if difficult to even have a cold glass of water.

Earlier this year we lost my mother in-law to cancer.  Granted not breast cancer, but I know what these treatments look like and I know how they can take a toll, not just on the patient but on the family as well.  Please support my friend Prathibha Shankar as she attempts to make a difference and participates in a 60 mile, 3 day, walk for the cure, sponsored by the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Every cent counts, if you can't give a lot, give a little.  Help Prathibha make a difference.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Christine O'Donnell...worthy of electing? (3WW)

Honestly I don't really think so, I find her general opinions to be far too extremist for my personal tastes.  The woman has managed to take advantage of this whole Sarah Palin hoopla and has emerged from the shroud of obscurity with a surprising gait.  However, I will not begrudge the woman some financial woes and certainly I don't have any issue with her dabbling in "witchcraft" as a kid.

Lets start with her financial woes.  It is alleged that she had some issues with paying the bills when it came to school.  In fact, well maybe not fact I'm not sure, but apparently they even withheld her degree until she was able to pay off the debt she owed them.

Now if you've gone to college and your mommy and daddy didn't pay for it, you'll already know that this is par for the course.  My question to you the audience is do we judge a persons ability to lead based on a relatively short time in her life when we're all having money troubles and we're all trying to adjust to a new phase of our lives?  I should hope not, otherwise we might need to go back and reevaluate our own ability to lead our families. lets talk about "witchcraft" for a second.

Generally speaking I grew up with a Catholic background and as anyone will tell you, as a catholic youth if you don't start doing drugs you probably have messed with a Ouija board.  Is this technically witchcraft?  Yep.  Do any of us really take this stupid, childish, bullshit seriously?  Of course not...unless you're fucking ripened retard and think you're some kind of greater being, but that is a whole other issue.

If we didn't take the use of a simple Ouija board seriously as teenagers when we were all doing it, than why should we now?

Even if this woman was a full fledged Wiccen would it affect her ability to lead?  Probably not (granted I don't know a hell of a lot about Wicca as a belief system).

Anyway what I'm trying to say is...FUCK YOU mass media.  People of both sides of the fence are slinging mud at this woman and it's simply ridiculous.  If you're going to call her out on something why not her stance on masturbation?

Just as an aside can you remain abstinent and NOT masturbate?  Seriously?  People got needs.

Or perhaps the allegation that she's falsified where she went to college in the past?  Shouldn't this be a much more worrisome issue?  Certainly more worrisome then a poor college student who can't pay their bills.

Lets not cave into the media on this one people.  If we're going to object to Ms. O'Donnell, lets do it on a valid basis and not some allegations that are, whether they're true or not, bullshit to the core.  Lets nudge the process in the right direction.  Judge with your brain and not with your...ya know I don't know what else you could logically judge with, but seriously lets think about this before we start flaming.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday Weigh In #6

Weight Loss for the Weak! ( Don't feel obligated to post your weight just how much you've lost )
I've lost 0 pounds.  Putting me at 278!  Ugh...not a great week for me concerning workouts.

Struggles and Victories of the Weak!
I'm going to blame myself for this one.  Monday I don't feel too bad about missing as we did a pretty significant amount of walking over the weekend, but Wednesday laziness overcame me and I only went to softball practice.  At least I got a little exercise.  This week will be different.  I'm getting back on track today.  Hopefully the rain holds off and I can get out to the park for my run.

How can I improve?
Determination...all too frequently I just don't feel like going for a jog.  It's really difficult for me with so many other things I could be doing with my time.  With the Translator working one of her temp jobs this week I feel kind of bad heading off for a run as soon as she gets in and then there's the sweet siren call of my couch and my PS3.  How do you beat the temptation to sit on your ass and do nothing?

Don't forget...the cake is a lie and the cube had to die for it.  Until next time.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Core Values (3WW)

My good buddy Niassne and I were talking about logically evaluating topics. I know. I know. It seems almost impossible these days for the thoughtful application of logic to actually take place, but we're programmers...we like logic. It's not just part of our jobs, it's part of how we think and generally operate things in our lives.

Don't act like you guys haven't evaluated some choice at some point using a complex "IF" statement.

Anyway...we kind of stumbled upon this idea of "Need" Vs. "Right". Because we feel like we need something does that mean we have the right to that? Because we have the right to something does that mean we need it?

There are several examples I could make that are prone to offend, but that's not really what I'm trying to get across here.  What I'm trying to provoke is a little extra thought before we simply react to a given topic making it that much more volatile.

Lets take the man in Florida who wanted to burn the Koran.  Does he have the right to burn that book?  In this country he absolutely does, but should he?  An interesting continuation to that story...apparently another man stole the copy of the Koran that another man was about burn (I don't believe it was the same guy that started the whole thing...just a supporter).  Did he have the right to steal that book?  Simply put...NO.  Stealing is stealing and it's simply wrong, not to mention against the law.  Now it could be said that the man who stole that Koran did the right thing, even a needed thing, to protect the feelings of Muslims across the country.

And that's what it really comes down to...need is a much more flexible word, at least in my mind.  A need can be considered valid or not based solely on a person's point of view.  Where as, a right seems much more concrete.  If one person has a right to something then so does everyone else.

But where do need and right intersect?  What is their place in the process of lawmaking?  I think that on a personal level needs will most likely take precedence over rights, at least in our everyday activities and I think that's what allows us to be emotionally driven by the media or politics or almost anything really.

And since that's true, or at least I think it is, I feel like maybe Niassne's got something with this whole core values idea.  Core values, that you and I as individuals can use to evaluate how we feel about a particular topic.  One complication of this idea, that I find is the prioritization of these values.  Does God always take precedence over Country or does Country sometimes win?  Or should things always be evaluated on a level playing field?

I know this is a more demure Monk then you usually read, but lets check our outrage and anger at the door and evaluate some of the topics we've taken a stance on recently with a calm and logical pattern of thought.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Monday Weigh in #5

Weight Loss for the Weak!Don't feel obligated to post your weight just how much you've lost )
I've lost 1 pound.  Putting me down to 278!  I'm glad to be back on the decline again.  I'm actually feeling a lot better though.  The last time I did my runs I didn't feel like I was hyperventilating or anything.  I'm starting to feel the muscles get worked my legs and my abdominal region.  All in all I'm feeling better.

Struggles and Victories of the Weak!
Due to a tropical storm hitting the coast of Texas I wasn't able to do any of my runs this week.  I have, however, been able to do a significant amount of walking as we've had a friend come in for a visit.  This always entails a lot of walking around at the River Walk and other various locals across the San Antonio area.  Thanks for helping me keep on the wagon April!

How can I improve?
This week instead of asking for suggestions I'm going to offer one.  I call it the Grocery store workout.  I know we all like to get that close parking spot, but think about that extra 50 yards as a mini-workout.  Another thing I always make sure to do is to take my shopping cart back the cart return thingys.    I know there are small things and while I know it seems like a pain in the ass,  every little bit helps and I promise it's not going to kill you. 

Don't forget...the cake is a lie and the cube had to die for it.  Until next time.

P.S. - I'd like to thank Witless Exposition (aka - The Translator) for creating this cool little button for me.  She's so good with this kind of stuff.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Glenn Beck...the Anti-Christ? (3WW)

Nah...he's not that important, but the whole "Restoring Honor" March that occurred a couple weeks ago has got me wondering...Does Glenn Beck listen to the things that he says?  I mean really listen?  Most comics that mock Glenn Beck don't even have to say anything, they simply play a clip of his show and people start laughing.

The man is more reliable for a joke then President Bush ever was.

I don't really understand his charm.  I know that a lot of Tea Baggers (not sure I'd want to be called a tea bagger either politically speaking or otherwise) are really outraged at how the country is being run and honestly I don't blame them.  And while they have some good ideas (I'm sure there's a good one...somewhere?), I find that they tend to blow small things out of proportion.

Will disallowing bullets to be made from lead lead to the banning of guns in our country...I seriously doubt it.  On the other hand, if I shoot someone am I really worried about giving them lead poisoning, probably not.

And, as if only to insight the ire of millions of sensible people, they pick (unofficially of course) the dumbest politician to ever grace the political landscape, as their representative.  Yes...I'm talking about Sarah Palin.  The woman who refers to herself as a pitbull.  The woman who thinks that being able to see Russia from her stoop is sufficient international diplomacy experience.  The list goes on and on.  Thank you John McCain, thank you so much for empowering this moron.

Anyway...back to Glenn Beck.  Truth be told I've never watched the man's show, but it seems as though he would sooner feast on the souls of the left then make any compromise that might help this country move forward as a whole.  Isn't compromise what this country was founded on?  Isn't that why we elect individuals who, in theory, have the experience to find common ground and make a difference?

I've never been a fan of the party system...2 parties or 6 parties, all it does is cause polarization of the American people.  "If you're not with me you're against me!"  "If you don't believe everything I said then I'm sorry, but you'll have to answer for your actions in the here after."  Why can't we see some merit when it comes to a contradictory idea?  Glenn Beck.  That's why.  People like him, people that encourage a closed minded approach to life, people that encourage a "my way or the highway" mentality.  These people are the reason that our country can't make any social progress.

I wish that our ideas about politics and life could be more robust.  In my 29 years on this Earth, I've never come across anything that couldn't be looked at from a different point of view (with obvious exceptions i.e. murder/rape).

Now I'm sure there are some left wing people I could name that are doing an equally good job and fucking us in the ass with their party propaganda, but again I don't listen to them.  The reason I mention Glenn Beck is because he's so outspoken.  I can't think of a left wing broadcaster that is as outspoken as he is and so that makes him my target for the day.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Monday Weigh in #4

Weight Loss for the Weak! ( Don't feel obligated to post your weight just how much you've lost )
I've gained 4 pounds this week.  So I'm now sitting at 279.  I'm still at an overall lose, so I'm not feeling too discouraged.

Struggles and Victories of the Weak!
Taco Bell and Pizza Hut...the dynamic duo of fast food.  At least that's the way they feel to me.  It's actually been months since I've gone to Taco Bell and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the amount of food that I normally order felt like way too much last week.  Unfortunately my brain and tongue just wouldn't listen to my stomach and I finished the whole lot.  I'm going to do better this week though...last week we had a lack of things to eat at the house and didn't make it to the grocery store.  I really feel like that's where things fall apart for's so much easier to call Pizza Hut then to go to a crowded, loud, grocery store.

How can I improve?
As you know I do the couch to 5K program 3 days a week.  I've been thinking of trying to put together a morning exercise routine of some sort that includes some more traditional exercises like push-ups and sit-ups.  I know at first it'll be difficult with my flabby arms and the donut around my middle, but those are the things I'm most self conscience about.  Any suggestions for a simple routine would be extremely welcome. 

Don't forget...the cake is a lie and the cube had to die for it.  Until next time.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

World of Warcraft (3WW)

I am in the midst of the first break I've taken from playing the massively multi player online role playing game (MMORPG) called World of Warcraft (WoW).

I've played this game with several friends (both online and real life) for about 4 years now.  I won't pretend that playing this highly addictive game hasn't had negative repercussions on my life but, on the whole playing this game has been a fairly rewarding experience.  I've had a great deal of fun for a relatively low price, I've met a lot of really nice people, and by God my warlock is a bad looking dude!

On the surface it's kind of difficult to see how such a simplistic game could gain such a following (11 million+ players) but, really WoW is ingenious in its simplicity.  The questing and leveling is very easy to begin with and at later levels you get to see some really visually awesome monsters and areas.

Most zones feel very mysterious the first few times through and it's exciting to discover new areas of what has become a vast environment.  Some question while mundane in their actually task offer insight into the story of the area and some even tie into the lore of the game, making you feel like you're part of something.  The shortness of the quests makes it easy for a player to feel like they've accomplished something and made some progress in the game.

So...having said all that I'm sure you're thinking "Well why the hell did you quit playing?"

Well, with 4 continents, thousands and thousands of quests, and a ton of dungeons (my favorite part of the game), WoW is a HUGE time sink.  I mean huge.  If you have other hobbies either they will suffer or your WoW habit will.  At some point you realize that you're seriously struggling with the choice between your online friends and going outside to play a game of softball (my other hobby).

While playing the game the world is so immersive that it becomes really easy to lose all track of time and space around you.  I've sat there and played for what seemed like a very short session (30-40 minutes) and stopped only to realize it was 2 hours later.  It's like the game causes a time warp in your brain...and its not the good kind.

It's been a little over a month since I've logged in and I honestly still think about playing sometimes.  Its especially difficult when I get bored.  I've started to fill my time with other things, like softball and jogging and quality time with the Translator, that to me seem a lot more productive.

I do plan on going to back to WoW as a hobby when the next expansion (an expansion is basically an extension of or change to the content that the game already has) is released.  This time however I think I might use the parental controls that are available with each WoW account to limit my own usage....or maybe just an egg timer so I know when I've played enough.  The developers at Blizzard have made WoW a lot more friendly for the casual players like myself and for that I am very grateful.

Thanks to folks over at 3 Word Wednesday for the challenge.