Thursday, June 24, 2010

Vampires that sparkle? Really?

What happened to the sinister murderers that lurk in the shadows of dark alleys and parks, waiting for their next unsuspecting victim?

Since when do vampires sparkle?

Since when do vampires go to high school?

Since when do vampires go out in the FUCKING SUN???

I won't blame is all on Twilight, even if the vast majority of the blame will be assigned thusly.  I think the credit for starting this slippery slope of vampire degradation, falls squarely on the shoulders of Anne Rice.

Now I know what you hardcore LaStat fans are going to say...yes I fully admit that LaStat was extremely sinister and 10 times out of 10 he would totally kick Edward's ass, but lets look at Louie for a second.

Louie is basically as emo as Edward will ever pretend to be, albeit a LOT more likable, but he was the gateway for the touchy feely vampires that we're bombarded with today.  Like a little joint that opens our eyes to the possibility of cocaine, Louie opened us up to the idea that vampires can have feelings too.

But let me say cocaine, emotionally distraught vampires may seem like a good idea at the time, but they're ultimately going to leave you quivering in a puddle of your own excrement, wondering when you'll get another fix.  Cause Edward is so dreamy...go Team Edward!!

Agh...I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

Friday, June 18, 2010

WTF is wrong with cursing?

I've always been aware of the social unacceptability of the use of "foul" language, though admittedly I don't understand the particular purpose of this social norm.  The idea that there is a subset of words in almost every language that are considered "dirty", "foul", "naughty", or just plain "bad", is pretty staggering.

Why these words?  Why shit instead of poop?  Why fuck instead of freak?  Why piss instead of pee?

The words are picked with seemingly no logic thought.  Its like someone was just spinning the Wooden Wheel of Words and landed on these and said to himself/herself "Yeah I think fuck looks like a bad word."

As children we learn fundamental life lessons that help us to further our species as a whole but, where does "foul" language come into play?  Don't fight...everyone feels pain.  Don't yell in the house...loud noises are physiologically damaging as well.  Don't run in the house...children don't have a fully developed sense of balance and so this ties back in with the fact that everyone feels pain.

And then there's the foul language.  Do these particular words, whether vocalized or written, cause any actual physiological harm to anyone?  Nope!  Does the exclusion of these words help our species to evolve in any way?  Nope!

In fact, by limiting our vocabulary we limit our capacity for thought (thanks Mr. Carlin).  We think in words and if we limit the range of those words simply because society has decided that they're naughty, then we've limited our ability to express a thought in the most effective way.

But those words are offensive you say?  Why are they offensive?  I'll tell you why, because you were raised to believe that specific idea.  If society wasn't offended by these particular type of words then neither would you.  Simple isn't it?

Here's another thing to think about...we can't even agree on what words in our own English language should be considered bad.  Did your mom smack you when you said piss?  Mine didn't...but I bet there are more then a few of you nodding your heads out there.  How about damn?  Yeah that's ones okay for me too.  Unless it's used in conjunction with a certain other word and honestly I don't see how that one breaks the rules...I mean I really do want God to damn that bad driver in front of me.

So lets expand our fucking vocabulary and along with it our minds, and knock this bullshit idea of "bad" words.  Its not the words that are bad...its the intent of the person using those words and you know what...Fuck them!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Top 5 at 12:54

So I thought it might be fun as a personal journey to evaluate all the movies I've seen and own and determine which are my favorites.  I love movies and so this seemed like a worthwhile waste of my precious time. no particular order, because I can't be asked to choose just one specifically, here is the list.

1.  The Great Outdoors - John Candy and Dan Aykroyd at their best.  I love this movie so much for some many reasons but, most of all for one scene where a grizzly bear is bouncing up and down on a door that is on top of John Candy.  The man was hysterical.  The wild look in his eyes and the sweat and rain pouring down his face as he frantically tries to warn his family that "Big bear chase me!", makes me laugh till it hurts every time.

2.  The Goonies - Sean Astin, Corey Feldman, and Short Round...Enough said!  This is probably one of the first action comedies I ever saw.  I can remember thinking how much fun it would be to go on adventure with my friends and find a pirate ship.  We'd go out into the woods by our house and jump on the rope swing and yell "Hey you guys!!"  I recently told the Translator that when we have children I want to get a couple a of shirts made.  For my child "Chunk love Sloth" and for me "Sloth love Chunk".  I thought it was a great idea and I think she's given in.

3.  The Big Lebowski - Jeff Bridges will forever be The Dude, or El Dudareno, or the Duder.  This movie is just absurdly funny and for that I love it.  The casting was unbelievable.  John Goodman as the gun loving psychopath Walter is absolutely amazing and in my humble opinion this is easily the best roll he ever took.  I also really loved John Turturro as Jesus...that scene where he's licking his bowling ball has my rolling on the floor every time.  And lets not forget Steve Buscemi as the much abused Donny.  A real step away from the loud mouth characters that Steve usually plays and like every other memory of this cast he's awesome.

4.  Inglorious Basterds - I love Tarintino movies...they're very edges and hilarious all at the same time.  I'm not sure if I've seen all of his movies but, of the ones I've seen I've loved almost all of them.  Of all those movies...this is by far the best.  Yes, better then Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown.  Better then From Dusk Till Dawn and by far better then those Kill Bill movies.  Christopher Waltz was brilliant as Col. Hans Landa.  He was extremely intense and disarmingly comical throughout the movie.  Eli Roth did a great job as Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz.  Nothing like watching a persecuted individual beat his persecutor to death with a baseball bat.  And, of course, at the top of my list of characters is Lt. Aldo Raine, played by Brad Pitt.  Another brilliant performance given by a man whose career is littered with them.  Back in high school I never would have thought that I'd love Brad Pitt but, once I saw him punch Ed Norton in the face I was hooked.  A great actor, a great character, and a great performance...could you ask for more?

5.  Clerks - Kevin Smith...I'm pretty sure the Translator would leave me for this man, and to be honest, I can't blame her.  There's so much about clerks to love...but at the top of my list has got to the scene where Randal is calling in an order for porn while a mother looks on holding her young child in her arms.  I'm not sure where the hell Kevin found all names for that list of porn but, my hat's off to you sir.  Bravo!  This movie is just a sequence of hilarious moments...while the overall story isn't bad...its secondary to the sheer genius that is imbued into each individual scene.  Take for instance the culmination of several scenes that seem somewhat mundane up to the point when Caitlin realizes she's just had sex with a dead old man in the bathroom of the Quik Stop.  Just thinking about it makes me laugh.  I assure day when I own my own business, I'll have a big sheet in the front window with "I assure you, we're open" smeared on it shoe polish.  Oh and by the way...37!?!?

Well that's my top 5.  It was a lot more difficult to narrow it down.  I didn't even get to include any of my favorite horror movies.  I guess that's a list for another day.  Hope everyone has a good weekend.  Oh and..."Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!"