So the Translator is/was a high school English teacher when this whole Twilight fad started. As such she's read all of the books and we went and saw the first movie on opening weekend. I felt like a soldier behind enemy lines.
The Twihards had me surrounded and if I made even the slightest derogatory remark about the terrible terrible (did I mention terrible?) dialog and/or the absurd story line, I knew we'd be finished.
Unlike their ideal Edward, I knew they'd rip us to shreds, because Twihards are not vegetarian vampires.
Lets just talk about that idiotic turn of phrase. Vegetarian Vampire...based solely on this term, I know without the shadow of a doubt, that Stephanie Meyer is fucking moron.
Where was I? Right. Behind enemy lines...they had us surrounded. And then Edward calls Bella a "spider monkey" and I almost lose my shit. I'm not sure what effect they were going for with a pet name like "spider monkey". Do you know any person of the female persuasion that wants to be referred to as any sort of monkey? Yeah...me either.
With my quiet snickers I've drawn the scowls of several of the enemy soldiers in the seats near us...there's more tension in the 10 feet around me then the whole of the movie that we're watching. Fortunately, Edward comes back on the screen...or maybe Jacob took his shirt off again...and drew their attention away from me.
We were safe....for now.
On the story stumbles. Plot holes abound, but the Twihards are not deterred. If anything, they're more enthralled by the whole thing than a starving man looking at a free meal. This immense pile of shit has caught the attention of the youth in the theatre and it's not letting go.
So now we come to the scene where Edward finally steps into the light and fries like the dirty stinking blood sucking villain he is....sadly that last bit is not exactly how it goes. Instead, Edward steps out into the light and rips of his shirt to REVEAL....his shimmering bird chest. He dramatically delivers the line "This is the skin of a killer." and I finally lose my shit.
I start giggling uncontrollably. The Translator is hitting me out of self preservation...some of the Twihards are starting to stair. The gravity of the situation hits me....and I continue laughing. If I must die it will be with a smile on my face, mocking that which I have come to loath the most.
QOTD: Anyone else go to the opening of Twilight? Any fans of the books? If so, what the fuck is wrong with your brain?