Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's just too damn tempting (3WW)

So the Translator is/was a high school English teacher when this whole Twilight fad started.  As such she's read all of the books and we went and saw the first movie on opening weekend.  I felt like a soldier behind enemy lines.

The Twihards had me surrounded and if I made even the slightest derogatory remark about the terrible terrible (did I mention terrible?) dialog and/or the absurd story line, I knew we'd be finished.

Unlike their ideal Edward, I knew they'd rip us to shreds, because Twihards are not vegetarian vampires.

Lets just talk about that idiotic turn of phrase.  Vegetarian Vampire...based solely on this term, I know without the shadow of a doubt, that Stephanie Meyer is fucking moron.

Where was I?  Right.  Behind enemy lines...they had us surrounded.  And then Edward calls Bella a "spider monkey" and I almost lose my shit.  I'm not sure what effect they were going for with a pet name like "spider monkey".  Do you know any person of the female persuasion that wants to be referred to as any sort of monkey?  Yeah...me either.

With my quiet snickers I've drawn the scowls of several of the enemy soldiers in the seats near us...there's more tension in the 10 feet around me then the whole of the movie that we're watching.  Fortunately, Edward comes back on the screen...or maybe Jacob took his shirt off again...and drew their attention away from me.

We were safe....for now.

On the story stumbles.  Plot holes abound, but the Twihards are not deterred.  If anything, they're more enthralled by the whole thing than a starving man looking at a free meal.  This immense pile of shit has caught the attention of the youth in the theatre and it's not letting go.

So now we come to the scene where Edward finally steps into the light and fries like the dirty stinking blood sucking villain he is....sadly that last bit is not exactly how it goes.  Instead, Edward steps out into the light and rips of his shirt to REVEAL....his shimmering bird chest.  He dramatically delivers the line "This is the skin of a killer."  and I finally lose my shit.

I start giggling uncontrollably.  The Translator is hitting me out of self preservation...some of the Twihards are starting to stair.  The gravity of the situation hits me....and I continue laughing.  If I must die it will be with a smile on my face, mocking that which I have come to loath the most.

QOTD:  Anyone else go to the opening of Twilight?  Any fans of the books?  If so, what the fuck is wrong with your brain?

14 comments:

Sara said...

Andy and I went to see the first movie in theaters and laughed our asses off through the whole thing. I'm pretty sure everyone in that theater hated us, too.

jaerose said...

This made me laugh..have you ever tried to read one? It is like root canal work but longer and more painful..Jae

The Bear Monk said...

There's this hilarious British kid on youtube that does a chapter by chapter review of the book as he's reading it. I'm not sure he's been able to finish, but what he's got up now is absolutely hysterical. I'll have to find the link.

Witless Exposition said...

There really were a couple of moments that I was afraid they might follow us to our car. Needless to say we haven't seen any of the other movies.

Bretsyboo said...

I've SEEN that youtube video.

Also, this makes me actually want to watch the movies. I will download it on my computer and then watch it in bed with some gay friends. You got to get in the spirit of the thing, y'know?

Julie Jordan Scott said...

You forgot acting so bad it looked like a bunch of Acting 1 students at a college that loves money more than intellect or creativity. Seriously... horrific... acting.

(My tween daughters loved it, though, although now they are getting bored with the quality. We did visit the high school where it was filmed last Summer and took photos. That was more fun than sitting through that laborious movie!)


My 3WW for this week.

P.S. - Your Mom rocks!

Sumit Sarkar said...

Lol..This is really funny just like the movie..
My sister loves the movie..I don't understand why...

Cristian0 said...

Those Twilight movies are bad but the Harry Potter movies teeny boppers were watching before were even worse. I hate how my mom makes me take my sister because she says she falls asleep and I go like ME TOO!

VL Sheridan said...

As bad as Twilight is, I'd rather sit through one of those movies with my kids than "Jackass" in 3D.

ThomG said...

I'm all for a choice in readers taste in everything - and anything. At least teens are reading.

The Bear Monk said...

I don't know Thom...I'd almost rather our young girls be illiterate then try to model their relationships after the damaged model represented in the Twilight books. It's not healthy.

Jamie Council said...

In truth, I'm not a fan of the movies and have only seen the first one because a friend of mine rented it anD wanted to watch it. s for the books, well, you know that I'm a recovering highs chool English teacher as well and I not only have read them all, but Yep, I own them too. They were apart of my classroom library before the craze actually hit and I read them because my girls who'd never read anything in their lives were suddenly putting their names on a waiting list for it. I appriciate it for exactly what it is...a cheesy, fluffy, teen angsty love story that gets people reading that normally don't AND hope for others who actually have writing ability that they too will be published and make millions of dollars. :)

Sadako said...

Ugh, I HATE the concept of a vegetarian or vegan vampire. So wrong.

The Bear Monk said...

I might have given the books a chance if I hadn't seen the movie first, but as it is I couldn't make myself read them. Even if I did it would be with a tainted point of view that would render me incapable of enjoying them.

I have to say though...my basic understanding of how the relationship between Bella and Edward operates, has me worried for the young women of this generation. As if their perception of what a healthy relationship is wasn't already tainted by 100 other things now we have these books putting a completely awful relationship on a pedestal.

It's disconcerting!