Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The End is Nigh

Inappropriate Remarks...in my pants, is drawing to a close.

I only received 10 entries in total from 4 people.

I'm still taking entries through tonight.  So if you're entry is in before I wake up tomorrow I'll add you to the spreadsheet and you'll be in the running for an Epic T-shirt from Cafe Press.

Winners will be announced on the 7th of December.  I'll also be putting up all the other submissions just so we can all have a good laugh.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I like to screw people...over. Yeah screw them over... (Small Packages)

I was thinking about just writing some sappy shit about how I screwed my wife over by getting her to marry me, but I decided that that would be a really lame ass use of my time and yours.  Even if it's true...

Anyway, for my dear wife's blog fest we're supposed to write about a time that we screwed someone over.  This is of course done in loving memory of those Pilgrims who first screwed over the Indians upon arrival to the New World, thus setting the standard for centuries of white oppression in this country.

Good job guys!!

Anyway back to me screwing someone...rare event that it is.  The best thing I could thing of involved me screwing up my father's plan for Christmas.  That's right, 8 year old me vs. 30 something father.  At this moment I should have known that I was smarter then he was...I guess hind sight is 20/20.

So when I was 7 years old, I met my father for the first time.  That's right folks, my father abandoned my mother and I before I was born and then he magically reappeared after 7 years.

Honestly, I don't ever remember feeling like I was lacking anything.  I had my Uncle Jimmy around most of the time and he taught me the important stuff, like how to eat my cereal with a decent slurp, how to enjoy fuzzy aliens who eat cats, and most important, NUDEY MAGS.  I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know that he taught me about those.

Back to my Douche Bag father.  So, I remember that my mom talked to him on the phone for a while and then one week he showed up and I met him and I was the best man in my own parents wedding.  Later that week, we moved to southern California.  It was a pretty whirlwind kind of week for my little 7 year old mind.

So as you might guess I was a little bit bitter and angry and jealous of this invader destroying every norm that I'd ever known.  Not to mention the fact that he was slowly but surely turning my mother against me.

So along came our first Christmas as a "family".  My father, in an attempt to bond with me (or at least I assume), let me in on the secret that was my mother's Christmas present.  It was a stereo as I remember it.

So, he takes me back into their closet and uncovers what is likely the most poorly hidden gift on the face of this planet and low and behold a couple of big boxes of low end stereo equipment.

And what do you think the first thing I did was?  You're God damn right I went and told her.  I ran down the hall screaming her name and something like "Guess what that son of a bitch dad got you for Christmas!"

And so it began...a long line of me screwing him over in one way or the other and him making my life as miserable as possible.  To this day, I count that Christmas as one of the most successful offensives I ever posed against my father douche bag sperm donor.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bitch Be Crazy (3WW)

And we're back to Sarah Palin.  This week the crazy lady is criticizing Pennsylvania schools for putting a limit on the kind of snacks that are made available to students during holiday and birthday celebrations.  If you're interested in the article, you can check it out here.

I find this terribly interesting, because it seems so asinine.  We can't teach our kids about sex, but we can feed them right into obesity and health issues?  Honestly, speaking as a diabetic and a fatty, I'd say that obesity is a significantly larger problem, than pregnancy...at least when it comes to elementary and junior high school children.

Palin is quoted as asking "You shouldn't have been making these decisions about what you can eat at the school. Should it be the government or should it be the parents?"  Based on how the public school system works, at least in my experience, parents have very little to no knowledge of / influence on the day to day of their children's education.  Let alone their eating habits when it comes to school time.

Simply put, it is my opinion that parents are ill equipped to make the appropriate dietary decisions for their children during the day.  In other words, while the parents are away, the children will eat whatever the fuck they like.

And since children are obviously not able to make the best decisions for themselves, that leaves the schools.  

If a parent doesn't agree with how a school is being run, that parent has the option of enroll their child in another school.  I know that can cost money, but honestly what wouldn't we do to give our children the very best opportunities right?  We treasure them so dearly after all.

Anyway, Palin of course jumped to immediate action when she heard about these poor starved children and brought them all dozens of cookies.  Cause that's what we need to do right?  Undermine the tenuous  grasp on authority that our teachers fight to hold on to.  Yeah...that's how we'll empower our teachers to help us rear our children.

It seems to me as though Palin is simply waving a rude, fuck you style, gesture in the faces of a predominately Democratic state simply because they are Democratic and this serves to keep her the headlines.  

In other Palin news...if you haven't heard there's going to be an "8 week TV event" on TLC.  Should help us all get a little insight, skewed by mass media to be sure, on how the mind of Sarah Palin works and maybe (just maybe) we can figure out those awesome parenting techniques that lead to Palin becoming a Grandmother.

Monday, November 8, 2010

It's people...soylent green is people!

So this weekend I got a lesson in irony from fish.  I know...it's not the place one would usually look for enlightenment, but I'll take it where I can get it.

The Wife and I went to the Japanese Tea Garden her in San Antonio.  If you've never been and live in the area, shame on you.  Get your ass down there ASAP and don't forget the cat food.

Yeah...I said cat food.  Apparently the koi fish that they have in the ponds of the garden are rabid fans of cat food.  Ah...sweet irony, how I've missed you.

It was actually really amazing.  We started out feeding this small group of koi over on the far right side of the pond, but as time went by the group of fish we were feeding starting getting bigger and bigger.  We looked up and we saw this long line of fish coming from the left side of the pond.  All waiting in line for their fishy version of soylent green.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Goes together like a Horse and Carriage

This I tell you brother...you can't have one without the other.

Ok...well enough singing.  So I was laying in bed with the Wife last night and I went to give her a kiss.  Not a big sloppy I-wanna-have-sex kiss...FYI, those don't work anyway...but I nice sweet little kiss and what do I get?

A push and a "Oh shit...it freaked me out!"

That's right guys, that's what lies ahead for us married Joes.  At some point you're cruising along and abruptly you realize (cause as a man you only pay attention sometimes) that all of the romance has gone out of your marriage.

Anyway...moments later the Wife declares she has an itch and so I, being the helpful fuzzy wuzzy bear husband that I am, decide to help scratch said itch and commence with trying any number of places that she usually itches.  Again I get an unexpected response:

She starts squirming around and swatting at me (swatting is a nice way to say domestic abuse) and screaming at me "STOP HELPING! STOP HELPING!"

In that moment I realized, that the romance hasn't gone out of marriage...it's simply turned into laughter.

We've been together a long time the Wife and I.  We've been married 7 and a half years, not to mention the year and a half we were together before the shackles...errr rings were on our fingers and over the course of time, I think we've both been guilty of letting life get in the way of our more traditional romantic moments.

Things like work and our pets and bills are distractions that subvert that one most important kernel of truth...that we love each other.

So today, when I go home, I may be wielding a cheap bouquet of flowers and an even cheaper bottle of wine in the hopes of seducing the Wife in a more traditional way then I have in a while.  Tickling the shit out your spouse isn't the only way to be romantic after all.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

As Time Goes By

Have you ever gotten really great news and then after the initial shock of joy that you go you started to kind of feel blue about the whole thing?  Maybe not about the news, but maybe about your lack of news?

In other words...I'm talking about jealousy.  (Piss off...sometimes it's hard to be honest with yourself.)

The Wife and I decided to stop trying to not have a baby a while back...actually it was like last year.  We haven't had any luck yet, but that's not for lack of trying (wink wink).  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm not meant to be a father, sometimes I wonder if God's divine plan doesn't include my hopes for parenthood.

As some of you may know, the Wife is an only child and both of my sisters have learning disabilities that render them basically incapable of caring for themselves (in a financial adult kind of way).  As such, it's not likely we'll have any children in our lives except the ones we have ourselves or the ones our friends decide to have.

So getting the news, of a baby from the man I consider to be one of my best friends was exciting to say the least.  He's going to be a great father and his wife a great mother, of that I am sure.  But at the same time that I felt all this excitement and joy for my friends I couldn't help but dwell on my own lack of news.

I've always been the oldest of our small tight group, but I've never felt that old truthfully.  I'm fairly immature when it comes to my desires for entertainment, but I like to think that regardless of my total lack of tact, I take care of my business and keep a roof over my wifes head and food in the fridge.  But, of late I've started to wonder if maybe we've waited too long to start trying to breach this new chapter of life.

Maybe, our choice to try and better our financial situation before we had a child was simply a pipe dream.  I mean we are better off now then we have been in the past, but can you ever really be ready financially for parenthood?  Most of the parents I know say otherwise. 

Well, enough of my pissing and moaning.  The Wife's got a doctors appointment today...hopefully she tells us all we need to do is shift everything to the left and WHAMO!  Preggers Wife.  We can only hope, though I'm not sure I know how to shift that business in any direction.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Inappropriate Remarks...in my pants!! Reminder

Just a reminder for you slackers out there...we've got this little contest going here at Inappropriate Remarks.

Who can come up with the best "...in my pants" joke?

It's really easy...simply pick the name of a book, magazine, blog, movie, etc. and add "...in my pants" to the end of it.  We have 3 impartial judges that will decide on the top 3.

Number 1 will receive a t-shirt with their winning submission.
Number 2 and 3 will have their t-shirts made available on the TBM CafePress page.

So lets go people...we need all submissions by November 30th.  Winners will be announced the first week of December.