Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I like to screw people...over. Yeah screw them over... (Small Packages)

I was thinking about just writing some sappy shit about how I screwed my wife over by getting her to marry me, but I decided that that would be a really lame ass use of my time and yours.  Even if it's true...

Anyway, for my dear wife's blog fest we're supposed to write about a time that we screwed someone over.  This is of course done in loving memory of those Pilgrims who first screwed over the Indians upon arrival to the New World, thus setting the standard for centuries of white oppression in this country.

Good job guys!!

Anyway back to me screwing someone...rare event that it is.  The best thing I could thing of involved me screwing up my father's plan for Christmas.  That's right, 8 year old me vs. 30 something father.  At this moment I should have known that I was smarter then he was...I guess hind sight is 20/20.

So when I was 7 years old, I met my father for the first time.  That's right folks, my father abandoned my mother and I before I was born and then he magically reappeared after 7 years.

Honestly, I don't ever remember feeling like I was lacking anything.  I had my Uncle Jimmy around most of the time and he taught me the important stuff, like how to eat my cereal with a decent slurp, how to enjoy fuzzy aliens who eat cats, and most important, NUDEY MAGS.  I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know that he taught me about those.

Back to my Douche Bag father.  So, I remember that my mom talked to him on the phone for a while and then one week he showed up and I met him and I was the best man in my own parents wedding.  Later that week, we moved to southern California.  It was a pretty whirlwind kind of week for my little 7 year old mind.

So as you might guess I was a little bit bitter and angry and jealous of this invader destroying every norm that I'd ever known.  Not to mention the fact that he was slowly but surely turning my mother against me.

So along came our first Christmas as a "family".  My father, in an attempt to bond with me (or at least I assume), let me in on the secret that was my mother's Christmas present.  It was a stereo as I remember it.

So, he takes me back into their closet and uncovers what is likely the most poorly hidden gift on the face of this planet and low and behold a couple of big boxes of low end stereo equipment.

And what do you think the first thing I did was?  You're God damn right I went and told her.  I ran down the hall screaming her name and something like "Guess what that son of a bitch dad got you for Christmas!"

And so it began...a long line of me screwing him over in one way or the other and him making my life as miserable as possible.  To this day, I count that Christmas as one of the most successful offensives I ever posed against my father douche bag sperm donor.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

6 comments:

CkretsGalore said...

Hahah
Now are they still married....if they are you have more windows of opportunity to screw him over!

The Bear Monk said...

They've been divorced almost 5 years now. And I say thank God for that. He was/is a terrible man who mistreated my mother.

CkretsGalore said...

Bah, I'm sorry to hear that your mother put up with a dick for so long. Hope she treats herself and enjoys life more now!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

This post is just so full of holiday spirit. Christmas and Thanksgiving covered!

Oh long circle of screw. You make me all teary-eyed.

Lorraine

Sara said...

You probably should have kicked the stereo once for good measure. :)

Lexi said...

Now that's a good screw-over. Something I wish I did more often...