Vampires that sparkle? Really?

What happened to the sinister murderers that lurk in the shadows of dark alleys and parks, waiting for their next unsuspecting victim?

Since when do vampires sparkle?

Since when do vampires go to high school?

Since when do vampires go out in the FUCKING SUN???

I won't blame is all on Twilight, even if the vast majority of the blame will be assigned thusly.  I think the credit for starting this slippery slope of vampire degradation, falls squarely on the shoulders of Anne Rice.

Now I know what you hardcore LaStat fans are going to say...yes I fully admit that LaStat was extremely sinister and 10 times out of 10 he would totally kick Edward's ass, but lets look at Louie for a second.

Louie is basically as emo as Edward will ever pretend to be, albeit a LOT more likable, but he was the gateway for the touchy feely vampires that we're bombarded with today.  Like a little joint that opens our eyes to the possibility of cocaine, Louie opened us up to the idea that vampires can have feelings too.

But let me say this...like cocaine, emotionally distraught vampires may seem like a good idea at the time, but they're ultimately going to leave you quivering in a puddle of your own excrement, wondering when you'll get another fix.  Cause Edward is so dreamy...go Team Edward!!

Agh...I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

WTF is wrong with cursing?

I've always been aware of the social unacceptability of the use of "foul" language, though admittedly I don't understand the particular purpose of this social norm.  The idea that there is a subset of words in almost every language that are considered "dirty", "foul", "naughty", or just plain "bad", is pretty staggering.

Why these words?  Why shit instead of poop?  Why fuck instead of freak?  Why piss instead of pee?

The words are picked with seemingly no logic thought.  Its like someone was just spinning the Wooden Wheel of Words and landed on these and said to himself/herself "Yeah I think fuck looks like a bad word."

As children we learn fundamental life lessons that help us to further our species as a whole but, where does "foul" language come into play?  Don't fight...everyone feels pain.  Don't yell in the house...loud noises are physiologically damaging as well.  Don't run in the house...children don't have a fully developed sense of balance and so this ties back in with the fact that everyone feels pain.

And then there's the foul language.  Do these particular words, whether vocalized or written, cause any actual physiological harm to anyone?  Nope!  Does the exclusion of these words help our species to evolve in any way?  Nope!

In fact, by limiting our vocabulary we limit our capacity for thought (thanks Mr. Carlin).  We think in words and if we limit the range of those words simply because society has decided that they're naughty, then we've limited our ability to express a thought in the most effective way.

But those words are offensive you say?  Why are they offensive?  I'll tell you why, because you were raised to believe that specific idea.  If society wasn't offended by these particular type of words then neither would you.  Simple isn't it?

Here's another thing to think about...we can't even agree on what words in our own English language should be considered bad.  Did your mom smack you when you said piss?  Mine didn't...but I bet there are more then a few of you nodding your heads out there.  How about damn?  Yeah that's ones okay for me too.  Unless it's used in conjunction with a certain other word and honestly I don't see how that one breaks the rules...I mean I really do want God to damn that bad driver in front of me.

So lets expand our fucking vocabulary and along with it our minds, and knock this bullshit idea of "bad" words.  Its not the words that are bad...its the intent of the person using those words and you know what...Fuck them!

Top 5 at 12:54

So I thought it might be fun as a personal journey to evaluate all the movies I've seen and own and determine which are my favorites.  I love movies and so this seemed like a worthwhile waste of my precious time.  

So...in no particular order, because I can't be asked to choose just one specifically, here is the list.

1.  The Great Outdoors - John Candy and Dan Aykroyd at their best.  I love this movie so much for some many reasons but, most of all for one scene where a grizzly bear is bouncing up and down on a door that is on top of John Candy.  The man was hysterical.  The wild look in his eyes and the sweat and rain pouring down his face as he frantically tries to warn his family that "Big bear chase me!", makes me laugh till it hurts every time.

2.  The Goonies - Sean Astin, Corey Feldman, and Short Round...Enough said!  This is probably one of the first action comedies I ever saw.  I can remember thinking how much fun it would be to go on adventure with my friends and find a pirate ship.  We'd go out into the woods by our house and jump on the rope swing and yell "Hey you guys!!"  I recently told the Translator that when we have children I want to get a couple a of shirts made.  For my child "Chunk love Sloth" and for me "Sloth love Chunk".  I thought it was a great idea and I think she's given in.

3.  The Big Lebowski - Jeff Bridges will forever be The Dude, or El Dudareno, or the Duder.  This movie is just absurdly funny and for that I love it.  The casting was unbelievable.  John Goodman as the gun loving psychopath Walter is absolutely amazing and in my humble opinion this is easily the best roll he ever took.  I also really loved John Turturro as Jesus...that scene where he's licking his bowling ball has my rolling on the floor every time.  And lets not forget Steve Buscemi as the much abused Donny.  A real step away from the loud mouth characters that Steve usually plays and like every other memory of this cast he's awesome.

4.  Inglorious Basterds - I love Tarintino movies...they're very edges and hilarious all at the same time.  I'm not sure if I've seen all of his movies but, of the ones I've seen I've loved almost all of them.  Of all those movies...this is by far the best.  Yes, better then Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown.  Better then From Dusk Till Dawn and by far better then those Kill Bill movies.  Christopher Waltz was brilliant as Col. Hans Landa.  He was extremely intense and disarmingly comical throughout the movie.  Eli Roth did a great job as Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz.  Nothing like watching a persecuted individual beat his persecutor to death with a baseball bat.  And, of course, at the top of my list of characters is Lt. Aldo Raine, played by Brad Pitt.  Another brilliant performance given by a man whose career is littered with them.  Back in high school I never would have thought that I'd love Brad Pitt but, once I saw him punch Ed Norton in the face I was hooked.  A great actor, a great character, and a great performance...could you ask for more?

5.  Clerks - Kevin Smith...I'm pretty sure the Translator would leave me for this man, and to be honest, I can't blame her.  There's so much about clerks to love...but at the top of my list has got to the scene where Randal is calling in an order for porn while a mother looks on holding her young child in her arms.  I'm not sure where the hell Kevin found all names for that list of porn but, my hat's off to you sir.  Bravo!  This movie is just a sequence of hilarious moments...while the overall story isn't bad...its secondary to the sheer genius that is imbued into each individual scene.  Take for instance the culmination of several scenes that seem somewhat mundane up to the point when Caitlin realizes she's just had sex with a dead old man in the bathroom of the Quik Stop.  Just thinking about it makes me laugh.  I assure you...one day when I own my own business, I'll have a big sheet in the front window with "I assure you, we're open" smeared on it shoe polish.  Oh and by the way...37!?!?

Well that's my top 5.  It was a lot more difficult to narrow it down.  I didn't even get to include any of my favorite horror movies.  I guess that's a list for another day.  Hope everyone has a good weekend.  Oh and..."Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!"  

Another reason to call her the Translator...

I have recently come to the determination that I am married to, what is possibly, the only English major that doesn't sound pretentious or like a pseudo intellectual.

I mean really...what good is all this knowledge about literature if you can't relate it to life or your uninformed friends?

Being married to the Translator I've had my fair share of exposure to these people.  I never understand what's going on in the conversation, even if I've read that particular book, and I always feel like a damn idiot by the end of the night.

Is that the point of getting your masters or Ph.D. in English?

I'm not really sure what brought this to the fore front of my mind.

I guess I just hope those people with their aloof demeanor, realize what they're missing by leaving we lowly simpletons out of their conversations.

I enjoy the classics and I have opinions, though they aren't as eloquently stated as they could be.  I realize there's more to Jane Eyre then a simple love story.

I also realize that Shakespeare made a lot of dick and fart jokes.  And while that may not be the meat of the story that he's trying to tell it sure does make it more enjoyable.

So to you pretentious few I say, get the stick out of your ass.  Even Shakespeare wrote to entertain the peanut gallery.

Destined for Mahkery

Recently the Translator has taken a temp job doing some filing and data entry for a local business that provides several types of therapy.  As you can imagine this job is quite boring and monotonous.

However, she has come across quite a few names that are absolutely hysterical.  She's got a list of them up on her blog.  I'm going to focus on one that's not on that list.

Mahkery.

That's right there is a child out there by the name of Mahkery.  

WTF were his parents thinking?  Is this supposed to be funny?  I mean it is pretty damn funny, but it's more funny "oh God" and less funny "haha".  Hopefully his parents are teaching him how to defend himself as I'm sure he's getting into fights over this on a daily basis.

I guess I'm not meant to understand the reasoning behind why parents feel the need to give these pseudo-unique names to their children.

"Oh my daughter's name is Jessica, spelled j e s s Y c a."

Wake up call.  That means your kid's name is Jessy-ca...retard.

And then there's names like Mahkery.  Did these parents not sit there and think to themselves "Hmm, that sounds like a real word.  Maybe I should look it up and find out what it means."?

Hopefully the next times these people try to decide on a name for their child, a good friend will be there to smack them in the head and take the joint away and say "NO!  I don't think Lemonjello or Orangejello or even Cherryjello is a good idea."

The Translater

In February of 2002, I was a loser.  It was plain to see that I had nothing going for me.  I was 20 years old still under my parents' roof.  I was not enrolled in college and had actually been recently kicked out of my first college for a low GPA (0.4...yeah I know).  I was also working a crappy graveyard shift job at one of the local casinos as a valet.

Okay...so maybe the job wasn't all that crappy.  For a minimal amount of work I got pretty good pay and I got to drive some really awesome cars.  I mean really awesome.  Once, just once, we got left the keys to a Ferrari.  More about that another day.

And last but certainly not least...I drove a Plymouth Reliant.  Also knowns as a "K" car.  This is easily one of the crappiest vehicles ever made.  I didn't have air conditioning or heat and surprisingly this helped when it came to the Translator.

I had basically given up on ever meeting any woman who would find me worthy of attention.  And to be honest, I felt like I didn't really deserve it anyway.  And then there was the Translator.

Now as pathetic as this may sound, I spent the vast majority of my free time at a community college that several of my friends attended.  Now it should be noted that I had previously attended this community college after the whole GPA debacle and so that is how I attained said friends.

Anyway...my home life wasn't great and as most teenagers I latched onto basically anyone that would except me.  At the time my buddy and the Translator's friend were dating and so we were thrown together quite a lot.  As proof of how small the town we lived in is...we spent nights hanging out in a local Waffle House.  Here I learned to love coffee and my future wife.  Not really sure about the order though.

Initially the Translator was spoken for.  Hopes dashed by what seemed like a long standing relationship, I resigned myself to the friend zone and honestly I think that actually helped my efforts.  I can remember feeling more relaxed and in that I was able to act...strike that...I was able to be more myself.

And thus my strategy to win the heart of the Translator was, not a strategy at all.

Not long after that I decided that it would be interesting to see the reaction of the Mrs. and make a little smoochyface (that's what we call it anyway) with another girl I'd known for a while.  For both myself and the other girl there was no intention of any kind of serious relationship and so I decided that my plan was a good one and executed it.

Now just to be clear, "smoochyface", is exactly what it sounds like...making out, necking, kissing, and that is all.  I may be a bastard...but I'm not a dirty bastard.

And so, for the first time ever, one of my plans worked.  The afore mentioned smoochyface got the Translator's attention and I became a topic of conversation.  Now I know what you're thinking, this sounds remarkably like a plan.

Well that's because it was.  After a few weeks in the friend zone I discovered that all was not well in the land of the Translator.  Her boyfriend, who was not living in the area because of his choice of school, was not well thought of.  In fact, the relationship quickly crumbled into a breakup.

And who's got two thumbs and knows how to pick up the pieces?

This guy!!

Actually...I was ambushed the day after the break up by my buddy and was told the time was right.

Now that I'm reading this a little...the Translator sounds like kind of a trollop.  However, we've all had an experience when we knew that a relationship was over before it really was and we simply had to wait for the catalyst with which to start the break up process.

A few days later, several of us were hanging out at a friend's house.  After a couple hours, Miss Translator's ride needed to leave and of course the Translator was opposed.  According to her, she was doing some significant flirting that I was completely unaware of and so I assume that was why she didn't want to leave.  So, I quickly offered up a ride home so that we could spend just a little while longer together.

So on the drive home, being February and lets not forget that I don't have heat in this car, it was pretty damn cold.  Like really cold.  It take about an hour to get to the Translator's house and being that long without heat isn't really a good thing.  So being the chivalrous idiot that I am, I handed over every jacket I had in the car.  Which of course the Translator took after many "Are you sure?"s.

Now here comes the part where you decide if I'm a very smooth talker of just an idiot who got lucky.

I must admit, I was physically shivering.  It was damn cold and my lack of a heater never seemed so annoying.  The Translator sees this and tries to give back one of the jackets which I refuse.  Instead I suggested, and I quote, "The only thing left is body heat."

I swear to God it worked.  How they hell that worked I don't know.  I'm not even sure I meant it to work per say, as it was basically true.

Anyway she snuggled up right next to me and wrapped her arms around me for the first time.  Admittedly it didn't really help with the cold, but man it felt really good.  It felt right.

After that night, we decided that we'd both like to see each other and the rest as they say is history or at least a tale for another day..

Now I'm sure you were expecting a bit of an explanation of why the Translator is the Translator.  Well the thing is, I'm a software developer.  A fairly specific kind of software developer.  I don't make games and I don't fix computers, which is basically all we computer types are supposed to do.  I create and maintain code in a system called SAP and one of the primary services the Translator offers me, is to explain what it is I do all day everyday, to those less fortunate souls who don't understand.  And so I have deemed her my Translator.

Nerd Anticipation Level High

As if you couldn't tell...I'm a nerd.  Glasses on nose and Computer Science degree in hand, most of my interests tend to be pretty stereotypical.  I like crappy fantasy novels, video games, and basically any movie that has lasers, comic book characters, magic, or zombies.

Yes zombies.  I'm not really sure why I love them so much...they just jump into my imagination and manifest into something that scares the crap out of me.  And I love it.

True story...The Translator (my wife,  I think this will be my name for her...thank you Mr. Badass Geek) and I went to see the re-release of Romero's "Dawn of the Dead".  When we got back from the movie we were still pretty jumpy and we decided that we need to indulge in something a little flowery...Bambiesque if you will...to help us calm down before we went to bed.

Armed with images of Bambi's grand escape and Thumper's blossoming family, we climbed into bed with the anticipation of a peaceful night's sleep.  We both got settled in and at that moment the air conditioner kicked on and the change in air flow caused the bedroom door to swing open slowly.

Now, it may have been my imagination but, the door developed a creek and in my mind a zombie was the on the other side.  Thing to know about the Translator, she can't sleep without the door to the bedroom closed.  Not really sure why...we didn't even have dogs at the time.

As the door must now be closed, we commenced with attempts to make the other get out of the comfort of the bed and close the damn thing.  Truth be told the test of wills is a daily event in our house, and it ranges from taking out the trash to getting up to let the dogs outside.  These tests have been known to last for days.

Yes days...we men shouldn't have to be submitted to the double standard of having the trash be our job.

Anyway, this particular test of wills was more intense then usual.  Basically, we were both scared that there was a little zombie girl on the other side of that door.

If you haven't seen Dawn of the Dead, one of the first scenes in the movie is basically this.  One of the main characters and her husband are woken by the sound of their bedroom door opening.  Bleary eyed they can only make out that it's the little girl that they are friends with from their neighborhood.  Of course there's some initial confusion here.  Upon rousing a little more fully, they see that the girl is acting strange and seems to be injured.  They of course fly into panic mode.  The husband leaps to check the wounds (both characters are nurses) and the wife frantically dials 911.  As you may be able to tell, this isn't going to end well for the husband.  The micro-zombie attacks and scores a fine bite to the jugular and the husband is down for the count.  The wife's mind being blown, she basically throws the child out into the hallway and closes the door.  She fights the losing battle to save her husband who, of course, has turned into a zombie.  He attacks, yada, yada, yada.

And in my mind my argument is, I'm not a damn nurse and I can't help the little zombie in the hall, outside our bedroom.  Therefore, the Translator should get up and close the door.  My cowardice at this point has become legendary in the house and I'm sure she will tell this tale for years to come.  Surprisingly, after a few minutes of arguing and me trying to justify leaving the door open, my cowardice prevails!!

You're damn right I made her get up and shut that door.  There's no telling what's under that bed or out in that dark hallway.

Anyway, back to my nerdy anticipation.

I saw the first preview for the newest Romero "...of the Dead" movie, "Survival of the Dead".  It actually looks like it'll be a lot of fun. The premise for this one isn't really all that clear in the preview but, upon some research it appears as though there's two families living on an island off the eastern coast and they're feuding during this wonderful zombie apocalypse.

There's also some talk of a cure for the undead.  I kind of like this relatively new angle (new for Romero at least).  It's a lot more hopeful then Romero tends to be.  The zombies in most films are simply an obstacle to be overcome and there is no hope of recovering their humanity.

Another source of extreme anticipation for me is the premiere of "Iron Man 2".  Lasers and comic book characters = PURE WIN.  I've been waiting for this one since the first time I saw "Iron Man".  Could Mickey Rourke look anymore awesome as Whiplash?  And what about Scarlet Johansson?  Smoking hot already and now they're gonna put her in skin tight leather?

Casting based strictly on looks for these two roles would be enough for me, but to top it all off, they're both amazing performers.  I can't wait.

And then, most importantly of all, WAR MACHINE.  Enough said.  I hate that they had to replace the original actor for Rhodey, but damn what a choice.  I can't think of anything I've ever seen Don Cheadle in that I didn't love.  I'm really ready to see him have some fun as War Machine.

As I side note...I'm really glad that they didn't decide to buy into the whole 3D fad...it's beginning to feel cheap and not special.  I hate that movies that were initially filmed for a 2D format have been getting shipped off to be made 3D.  Not only does it look like a cheap after thought, it feels insulting.  So far I've resisted seeing this brand of 3D (Alice and Titans).  I do have to say that, when 3D is done right it's really awesome.  Avatar was a beautiful movie, even if the story was a bit boring, and How to Train your Dragon was easily the best movie I've seen this year.

All in all May has me ready and raring for the theaters.  Alamo Draft House here I come.  Keep a pint of Guinness and a bowl of popcorn aside for me and the Translator.