Monday, April 11, 2011

Dating, Stalking...What's the difference?

I've been married a long time.  A really long time statistically speaking.  And I married young.  Against all odds and defying all statistics I'm happy.  So based on my limited experience I'm now going to attempt to write a post about something I've done very little of and what little I've done I'm sure was fairly pathetic.

But Bear, you say, why the fuck would we listen to an old married man such as yourself?  

Because the reason I'm still happily married, the reason the Wife is still happily married, is because over the years I've realized that a relationship requires work.  

A lot of that work takes the form of date like situations.

No really...imagine going to dinner with someone that you've known for years and that you talk to a majority of the day and still come up with something to talk about that's not related to something stressful like work or bills.  It hard.

It's really fucking hard.

So when I hear about some singles having dating woes I have a very difficult time taking those woes seriously. 

I'll admit this post if mostly inspired by Lilly over at A Pre-Life Crisis.  She's a pretty fun blogger.  I really enjoy to read the point of view she has concerning dating, mostly because she's a girl.

Lilly's been having issues with men of late...most of them have been just plain old dick holes to her.

As with marriage dating is work too.  Maybe equating dating to work isn't really the best way to put it, but damn it work is all I know these days.

Now Lilly's major issue up to this point has been that she apparently attracts a bunch of lazy assholes who can only be bothered to pursue a relationship with her when/if their schedule allows.  Does that about cover it Lilly?

In my experience, when a man really wants something, be it a girl or a job or a PB& J sammich, he's a pretty focused force.

Most men I know, granted mostly hairy ugly ass nerds, are very task oriented creatures.  They like a girl and they call her, or text her, or IM her, or show up to her house like a crazy stalker.

Ok maybe not that stalker bit...but it's usually pretty damn clear to everyone involved that their interested.  I'd wager that, if the Wife was asked, she'd pretty much be able to say yes or no to my general interest in her right from the get go.

We're single minded creatures ladies...we're not prone to the least not the ones of us that are worth bothering with.  So ask your current man friend calling you every day?  Texting you random shit that is basically meaningless fairly regularly?

I know for me, during our courting period I'd have done just about anything to be around the Wife.  Just to feel connected to her via phone or internet or what have you, was enough for me when I couldn't be physically next to her.

Maybe I'm the exception...but a good relationship comes with a certain level of dedication on the man's part.  If you think he's playing games with you, you're probably wrong.  Again, we're fairly simple creatures.  We just want to feel close to you (if we're actually into you).

Lets take a couple of examples from Lilly's recent past.

The Lawyer...clearly this guy wasn't serious.  The first sign being that he lived in an entirely separate city.

I won't say that long distant relationships are impossible...but with no prior relationship to lean on...they simply are impossible.  How can one expect to build a relationship with a person they can never see and really don't know anything about on a day to day type basis?  Weekends are all good, but what's he like on a Tuesday?  You'll never know till you leave near him and can see him on a regular basis on Tuesday.

HS Boy...I'll be honest.  I thought Lilly may have really found something here.  He seemed appropriately single minded in his pursuit of her.  Some ridiculous mistakes were made and than the bombshell of a lie.  That's right folks...excluding the truth is equivalent to lying.  Who knows...maybe he was confused as to what priorities he wanted in life.

Anyway...I think I've rambled enough.  As the Wife would say I've shown my big brother colors quite enough.

Lilly, I think you're on the right track having read your last post.  If he's not constantly trying to communicate, than it's likely you've got another scrub on your hands.  May I recommend a slightly less attractive nerdy guy? We generally make gobs of money and we're a highly dedicated bunch.


CkretsGalore said...

I used to be with hosers & liars...and lazy bastards.

Then I found love with my slightly less attractive, geeky, fountain of useless information, IT Guy friend.

And I couldn't be happier. Well ok that's a bit of a fib....if we won that 50miln Lotto I would be happier but for now I'm doing all right with our oilsands moola. haha

Anonymous said...

Ah I love that you wrote about me! How flattering! And yes, that about covers it.

Also, I am in 100% agreement. In my experience, men, by nature, love a challenge. And if they feel challenged, they will go at it with everything they've got (hence a million phone calls, texts, emails, etc.) If you put up with their bullshit, i.e. them being lazy, non-committal, etc. they won't feel challenged-they'll feel like they've got you in the bag and then won't work for it. The moral of the story? Don't put up with their shit. It's amazing how holding back a little and taking care of yourself will lure in a man.

Lol - Not that you, Bear, are looking to lure in a man :) But if you ever are...

Thanks for the support!

Tabs A. Geek said...

Due to a lot of past, terrible relationships, I really had no idea how to tell if a guy was genuinely interested, or what a real relationship should be like.

I had never had a guy actively pursue me, except if he wanted to get me in bed. Guys didn't date me because they really liked me. I don't know why they did, but I was ALWAYS dumped for the 'better model'. It was like I was a holdover girl.

Which is the reason why, towards the end of college, I swore off dating. I finally realized that there was a good chance that while I wasn't the issue in the relationships, I clearly didn't know what to look for, and thus kept ending up in detrimental relationships.

That, and I was desperate just to be loved.

I took a 3 and a bit year hiatus from dating, and it was probably the smartest thing I ever did. I learned to exercise caution, to not settle and to not accept a guy who won't actively pursue me.

That, and I learned that a relationship can't really function unless you're okay not being in one.

The first guy I chose to date after this hiatus ended up being the most amazing guy I've ever dated. I went from a record of 3 weeks to now having been in a relationship for 9 months. For the most part, it's been a walk in the park as far as staying together. I haven't had to fight tooth and nail to convince him to stay with me. We haven't been without our issues (in fact we're going through our biggest one now), but the fact that we're willing to work through them has made all the difference.

Anyways.. I think I forgot what my point was going to be... but yeah.