The Translater

In February of 2002, I was a loser.  It was plain to see that I had nothing going for me.  I was 20 years old still under my parents' roof.  I was not enrolled in college and had actually been recently kicked out of my first college for a low GPA (0.4...yeah I know).  I was also working a crappy graveyard shift job at one of the local casinos as a valet.

Okay...so maybe the job wasn't all that crappy.  For a minimal amount of work I got pretty good pay and I got to drive some really awesome cars.  I mean really awesome.  Once, just once, we got left the keys to a Ferrari.  More about that another day.

And last but certainly not least...I drove a Plymouth Reliant.  Also knowns as a "K" car.  This is easily one of the crappiest vehicles ever made.  I didn't have air conditioning or heat and surprisingly this helped when it came to the Translator.

I had basically given up on ever meeting any woman who would find me worthy of attention.  And to be honest, I felt like I didn't really deserve it anyway.  And then there was the Translator.

Now as pathetic as this may sound, I spent the vast majority of my free time at a community college that several of my friends attended.  Now it should be noted that I had previously attended this community college after the whole GPA debacle and so that is how I attained said friends.

Anyway...my home life wasn't great and as most teenagers I latched onto basically anyone that would except me.  At the time my buddy and the Translator's friend were dating and so we were thrown together quite a lot.  As proof of how small the town we lived in is...we spent nights hanging out in a local Waffle House.  Here I learned to love coffee and my future wife.  Not really sure about the order though.

Initially the Translator was spoken for.  Hopes dashed by what seemed like a long standing relationship, I resigned myself to the friend zone and honestly I think that actually helped my efforts.  I can remember feeling more relaxed and in that I was able to act...strike that...I was able to be more myself.

And thus my strategy to win the heart of the Translator was, not a strategy at all.

Not long after that I decided that it would be interesting to see the reaction of the Mrs. and make a little smoochyface (that's what we call it anyway) with another girl I'd known for a while.  For both myself and the other girl there was no intention of any kind of serious relationship and so I decided that my plan was a good one and executed it.

Now just to be clear, "smoochyface", is exactly what it sounds like...making out, necking, kissing, and that is all.  I may be a bastard...but I'm not a dirty bastard.

And so, for the first time ever, one of my plans worked.  The afore mentioned smoochyface got the Translator's attention and I became a topic of conversation.  Now I know what you're thinking, this sounds remarkably like a plan.

Well that's because it was.  After a few weeks in the friend zone I discovered that all was not well in the land of the Translator.  Her boyfriend, who was not living in the area because of his choice of school, was not well thought of.  In fact, the relationship quickly crumbled into a breakup.

And who's got two thumbs and knows how to pick up the pieces?

This guy!!

Actually...I was ambushed the day after the break up by my buddy and was told the time was right.

Now that I'm reading this a little...the Translator sounds like kind of a trollop.  However, we've all had an experience when we knew that a relationship was over before it really was and we simply had to wait for the catalyst with which to start the break up process.

A few days later, several of us were hanging out at a friend's house.  After a couple hours, Miss Translator's ride needed to leave and of course the Translator was opposed.  According to her, she was doing some significant flirting that I was completely unaware of and so I assume that was why she didn't want to leave.  So, I quickly offered up a ride home so that we could spend just a little while longer together.

So on the drive home, being February and lets not forget that I don't have heat in this car, it was pretty damn cold.  Like really cold.  It take about an hour to get to the Translator's house and being that long without heat isn't really a good thing.  So being the chivalrous idiot that I am, I handed over every jacket I had in the car.  Which of course the Translator took after many "Are you sure?"s.

Now here comes the part where you decide if I'm a very smooth talker of just an idiot who got lucky.

I must admit, I was physically shivering.  It was damn cold and my lack of a heater never seemed so annoying.  The Translator sees this and tries to give back one of the jackets which I refuse.  Instead I suggested, and I quote, "The only thing left is body heat."

I swear to God it worked.  How they hell that worked I don't know.  I'm not even sure I meant it to work per say, as it was basically true.

Anyway she snuggled up right next to me and wrapped her arms around me for the first time.  Admittedly it didn't really help with the cold, but man it felt really good.  It felt right.

After that night, we decided that we'd both like to see each other and the rest as they say is history or at least a tale for another day..

Now I'm sure you were expecting a bit of an explanation of why the Translator is the Translator.  Well the thing is, I'm a software developer.  A fairly specific kind of software developer.  I don't make games and I don't fix computers, which is basically all we computer types are supposed to do.  I create and maintain code in a system called SAP and one of the primary services the Translator offers me, is to explain what it is I do all day everyday, to those less fortunate souls who don't understand.  And so I have deemed her my Translator.